One step forward, two steps (ouch my) back!

I recognize that all human journeys are not linear. Relationships, careers, weight loss, self-improvement of any kind. There is no direct, bumpless route to the finish line. But UGH, is it FRUSTRATING. I've injured my back, a minor muscle sprain, methinks. I haven't gone to a doctor, I don't think I will unless it gets worse. I know that this type of injury can take weeks to heal on its own, but that is the only way. One week. ONE WEEK of my new and improved workout schedule and I'm injured. 

Ok, pity party has concluded. It is what it is. The only way out is through, and so what else is there to do but just... keep going. Cautiously, intelligently - but consistently. 

Making adjustments

 It is clear that what I am doing is not enough to move the needle. I am still feeling like I just need a win. I need to see some sort of progress, the feeling of just spinning wheels is simply frustrating. Its funny and, frankly, quite sad that improving my health and longevity isn't enough motivation to keep going. I want to see progress - visibly in my body, measurements, or in data. 

So, what else is there to do, but... more? I spoke with my trainer and told her all of this and asked for help in making some goals. Here's what we came up with: 

And so here is what my weeks will look like: 

The changes here are -
• Adding a third day of strength training to the week.
• Aiming for 15,000 meters on the rower each week
• Adding a mobility/balance work out

My food hasn't changed, I am continuing to eat:
• <1,700 calories
• 115-120g protein
• 5g creatine per day

Getting back to it

 I had a visit with the orthopedic surgeon two days ago and we are both pleased that the cortisone shot in my knee is helping. Its been two weeks since the shot and he said that I won't experience the full benefit for another couple months. But that is it was going to work, it would start working within two weeks. 

And, it has. So, hallelujah, praise kneesus!  

It is still unstable and I am not yet back to going for intentional walks, BUT I can at least walk around the house now which is a big improvement! 

Yesterday, something momentous happened - I got my man to work out with me! He's NOT an exercise guy. At. All. He will walk with me, but not long ones, and never anything else. But I always jokingly invite him to my workouts, and he responds "no thank you" and we laugh. But yesterday, I said "I'm going in for my strength training, wanna join?" And he said... "yah, lets do it!" 

And he DID! We went through my entire strength training routine! I am so proud of him for really getting out of his comfort zone. Later in the evening, he praised me for my "strength", and it felt nice to be seen for what I am working so hard for. 

In other news, I have been squeezing in some more short paddling trips into my days, as summer is dwindling down. Its been really nice. I find myself simultaneously wishing that it was more physically demanding and enjoying the relaxing nature of it. It's not nothing, I do end up feeling it in my forearms afterwards, but its not the "active" past time I was thinking it would be. 

One side benefit to the paddling, is that it has forced me to be a little more comfortable in my swimwear. I need to wear UV protectant swim clothes and thats a-ok with me because I've never been comfortable showing my arms or legs, ever in my life. So wearing just a plain bathing suit has never been an option for me. But I also would NEVER wear anything tight before. I don't want to show my skin, but I also don't want to show the size and shape and lumps and bumps of my legs or arms. Anyway, I am wearing my swim pants and swim tops and feeling OK about it. Truth-be-told, no one sees me in them. The paddling I do is launched from a private dock, and when I am out on the water, I am seated and would only be seen at a distance. 

But I don't want to discount my feelings here. I feel less embarrassed and less self-conscious than I have before. I wouldn't use the word "confident" by any means. But its an improvement, and that is something. Especially since I don't actually notice any visual differences in my body, but I guess just age and experience alone has granted me a small amount of "less fucks" to give. 

A sharp turn

 Just as I was feeling firmly "in the groove" of my exercise routine - a wrench has been thrown! 
A torn meniscus, yet again. And of course it happened a week before my camping trip. I still had a wonderful camping trip, but it was the most sedentary camping trip I've ever had. No hikes, minimal walking, and a lot less heavy lifting than usual. I've just been wearing my knee brace and taking prednisone to reduce the inflammation.  Pain-wise, its feeling better now, just still very unstable. 
I skipped an entire week of my strength training, and I've missed multiple rowing sessions. 

Oh well, it is what it is, is it not? 

This is not anything new for me to navigate, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. I was really feeling like I was making progress. I am aware that a few
days, or even weeks off from training will not erase all of my hard work - but my emotions beg to differ. I feel untethered and back to square one. 

Like I have to "start over" or something. But there is nothing to restart. This is just my life, daily life... in which some days I work out, some days I don't. Some days I hit my macros, some days I'm not perfect. I don't need to start anything from scratch, I just need to keep doing what I feel is best for me (and my dumb ass body) each day. 

To end on a happy note, camping was wonderful. I got no exercise, no sleep, and I ate some oatmeal cookie sandwiches. But, I had endless conversations with my best friend, played games, watched birds, and floated around a pristine mountain-top lake in a donut floaty. 

Paddleboarding and Progress

 Ok... so maybe my scale weight is still up and maybe I still don't see anything in the mirror... but I want to say that I am finally feeling a little bit of change. I had a lovely talk with my trainer, which helped. I also had a good talk with AI, who I asked to remind me of all the science behind how I could be seemingly stagnant. 

The other day, I also paddleboarded for the first time ever. And I was all alone! I was so scared, I'm scared of everything. Scared of falling in the water and not being able to get back on. Scared of falling in the water and touching a lake monster with my toes. Scared of getting fatigued, of doing something wrong, of getting stranded, of having to ask for help. 

Of course none of those things happened. I just... paddled my little heart out for almost 2 hours. Physically, I found it very easy (I only sat, mind you, I'm not very interested in standing up!).  I definitely got very nervous when spotting any other vessels on the lake, but I kept my distance. 

I even did my rowerg workout for 40 minutes when I got back home. 

It feels like a big step toward being an "Active Person" like I want to be! Active People totally paddleboard in the summertime! :-) 

No change

A very short rant. 

I took progress pictures yesterday. Desperate for some tiny glimpse of changes to my body. 
Its been almost 2 months since adding consistent strength training. Three months since adding 3 days of week of rowing. Almost 3 months since adding Creatine to my diet, upping my protein, dropping my calories. 

Weight change? none
Measurement change? none
Visual change? none 

I know that it is impossible that all my hard work and careful planning is for nothing. But I really, really wish I could get a little encouragement from my body. Just a tiny nugget of tangible progress to encourage me. 

Celebrities, they're just like us

 When I went vegan, I thought that it changed a fundamental aspect of my identity. I strongly identified with being a "foodie". I was so fat because I LOVED food, I would eat any kind of food, taste whatever delicacy I could get my hands on. People expected (and admired) this of me and I cultivated and embraced this impression.  Suddenly, I've got limits. I can't be a gourmand anymore, I've got things - a lot of things - that I now say "No" to. This challenged me, because I did not want people to see me differently than I'd always been. I didn't want to take away a single thing that I thought made people like me, I didn't think I had that many of those things to spare. 

That was 13 years ago, and I've still got friends who seem to like me, regardless of my diet. Now, instead of asking what I think about the crispy garlic beef tendon dish, they ask me my favorite way to prepare garlic scapes. But my reputation as a fat foodie is intact. 

I am talking about all of this because I am desperate for another identity shift. I want... so badly... to be an "Active Person". I want to see myself that way, and I want others to see me that way. But for as long as I've been working out (almost 20 years), I haven't been considered an Active Person, I've just been a dieting person. A person working out to lose weight. I'm under the impression that being an Active Person is a lifestyle. That is what we see in media and social media, anyway. 

"She lives an active lifestyle!" cue the montage of a fit and toned woman, wearing a cute coordinating sports bra and legging set, maybe she's got a lululemon long sleeve zip up on top. She's on a run, up a windy country road... she's not sweating, she's *glistening*... she's on the go, she's leaving yoga class and heading to the pool. She meets her equally as cute and fit friends at the pickleball court for a quick game. She rides her bike home, fresh veggies from the farmers market poking out of her bag.  You know what I'm saying. THAT is the "Active Person" of which I am referring to.  

But that can't be reality... right? I mean, I know active people, people who do marathons and HYROX on the weekends. People who do Spartan Races and people who do yoga every single day. These people are real and they exist, and they work a 9-5 just like me. Some (most!) of them even have children to mind. I have no hesitations in seeing these people as Active People, even when they take weeks off from their activities, even when they are downing a triple scoop of ice cream, why? because they look fit. 

But I've never been one - or at least - I've never FELT like one. Maybe its simply because I don't LOOK like one. Maybe it's because I've held my identity of chronic illness above my identity as an active person, and I don't want people to see one of those and have it invalidate the other. 

I'm a complete imposter. If I reenacted that entire Active Person montage from above, I wouldn't look like an active person, I would look like a fat woman overworking herself to lose weight. 

I need to digress, because none of the above ramblings are what I intended to talk about. What I meant to talk about is something I've been thinking about for awhile - What does a real-life Active Person's day actually look like? Because I have a feeling that it's one of those "Celebrities - they're just like us" situations. You know, when you see a picture of a usually glamorous celebrity coming out of a port-a-potty, TP stuck to their shoe, and you're like, whoa, they are just a messy human like the rest of us! 

I bet seeing an Active Person's average day would leave me thinking - oh, I'm not that far off! Yet, the more I think about this, the more I see that it might actually be impossible to feel like an Active Person without looking like an Active Person. That being as it is, they also say to dress for the job you want not the job you have, right? So, if I do all the active person things, I maybe will eventually achieve Active Person status? 

Ok, I went ahead and asked AI for a definition of an Active Person (or living an Active Lifestyle). Here's what it said (with my response) - 

At its core, an active lifestyle aligns with the recommendations of major health organizations like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the American Heart Association (AHA). For adults, this generally means accumulating at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity or 75 minutes of vigorous-intensity aerobic activity per week, or an equivalent combination of both. Additionally, muscle-strengthening activities involving all major muscle groups are recommended at least twice a week.

Ok, cool, so this - I'm doing! ✅

Being an active person is also defined by a set of consistent habits and psychological traits:

Proactivity and Goal-Orientation: Active individuals tend to be planners. They schedule their workouts, set fitness goals, and take the initiative to make physical activity a priority in their busy lives.

Thats me! check! ✅

Consistency over Intensity: The hallmark of an active person is not necessarily extreme workouts, but rather the regularity of their chosen activities. They understand that consistency is the key to long-term health benefits and fitness maintenance.

I do struggle with long-term consistency, because when I don't see results I get nervous and make changes. But, I am definitely trying!

Positive Mindset: Many active people view exercise not as a chore, but as a form of self-care and a source of energy and well-being. They often find joy in movement and appreciate what their bodies can do.

I didn't used to feel this way, but I do now! exercise has become such an ingrained habit that I don't have to beg and force myself to do it. Its time to work out, and I'm in it before I've even realized. And for some workouts, I really do find joy in it! But not all :-) ✅

Resilience and Adaptability: Life inevitably presents obstacles to a fitness routine. An active person is more likely to be resilient, finding alternative ways to stay active when their usual plans are disrupted. They are also adaptable, willing to try new activities to keep their routine fresh and engaging.

Ok, I like this one. And I have a thought on this that is very fresh in my mind, as last week I was sick. My workout schedule (and desire!) was totally thrown off. I was able to adapt my workouts to an easier, more manageable routine without throwing a ton of guilt on myself, or pushing my body past where I should. That is adaptability, and this week, I'm right back to my regularly scheduled program - that's resilience! ✅

Listening to Their Body: While they push themselves, active individuals also learn to recognize their body's signals for rest and recovery, preventing burnout and injury.

In essence, being an "active person" is a dynamic and multifaceted concept. It's about meeting or exceeding recommended physical activity guidelines through a variety of enjoyable activities and cultivating a mindset that values and prioritizes movement as an integral part of a healthy and fulfilling life.

This is one I will probably always struggle with, but I've gotten much MUCH better about respecting my body's limits in respect to my chronic illnesses and propensity for injury. I think I will always struggle with this and vacillate between pushing myself too hard to lack of progress and holding myself back for fear of injury. 

Ok, so, whats my score? I have 4 of the 6 traits associated with being an Active Person. And to my slight surprise, AI didn't mention physical appearance at all. Soooooo.... maybe I CAN be an Active Person and star in my own movie montage, though I don't think I'd ever be caught dead in just a sports bra in public!