2025: Year in Review

2024 was the year of walking, the year of cancer and treatment. 

2025 started as the year of the aftermath - the hysterectomy, the healing, and the getting back to routine. 

So, the first half of the year was slow, and a little aimless, but necessary. 

By mid-year, I felt fully healed from surgeries and cancer treatment. I'd taken up rowing (erg), paddleboarding, and continued my walking... until my knees flared up. Suddenly, back to the square one. BUT, I kept on with my progress in other areas. I hired a new trainer, who has really gotten me back into proper strength training. I'm on a good schedule, consistent! 

I've logged almost a half of a million meters on my rowing machine. I'm sweating my butt off on my spin bike trying to improve my VO2 max (not that I've had it tested or anything). 

I've gotten my full blood panels done and everything is in "ideal" ranges. Absolutely fantastic. 

I haven't lost any weight. I haven't lost any inches, I look the same. I would be lying if I said that didn't bum me out. That I didn't feel like I have nothing to show for the hard work I've put in over this past year. But I know it's not for nothing. I know the scale and mirror don't show the whole story. 

Eventually, my strength and abilities will show my progress, even if its only to myself. I know things are changing for the better! To 2026! 

My future fit self

 Visualize yourself at your goal fitness level. Beyond just the number on the scale, describe a specific "non-scale victory" you are excited to experience. Why does that specific moment matter more than the weight itself?

Oof, this one is a loaded one. I've been answering this question in my head (and in numerous blogs, lol) since I was 10. BUT, that question was never about fitness, it was always about weight - specifically, body-size. So I am excited to think about this from a strength, cardio fitness, stamina point of view. I will say just one thing on the aesthetic side of this conversation. And that is that I want to look like I am fit. I want to be able to talk about exercise and not get a side eye and a pity nod. Like, "of course she's working out to lose weight". I want it to be obvious by my physique that I work out seriously. 

Ok, onto non-scale victories that I look forward to as my future fit self: 
• Not injuring myself doing household tasks (lifting heavy things) note: I actually feel like I am here now. 

• Walking and talking with a friend without breathing hard/loudly and sweating immediately. 

• Standing up from the floor easily and gracefully.

• Not feeling silly and sausagey in my workout clothes.

• Performing "sporty" tasks naturally - running a short distance, hanging/pull ups, pushups from the floor, hopping or jumping. 

• Being lighter on my feet when moving about and when dancing. 

• Fitting in public seats comfortably - planes, buses, theaters, restaurants.

Out of reach milestone

(I'm starting to use journaling prompts, because I want to maintain this habit, but I feel as though I have nothing to say as of late)

Identify one physical milestone that still feels out of reach or intimidating right now (e.g., a certain distance, a weight, or a specific exercise). Write about why that goal matters to you.

I don't currently have a big exercise milestone I am going for, but I do have a couple small ones that I can think of. One is raising the weight I use in my Lateral Raises. I have been using 10lb dumbbells since the first set. It is now been months of doing this exercise and many attempts at raising it to just 12lbs and I can't do it. It makes me feel like I am making no progress, that all of my lifting has shown no growth. 

I know this is not the case, as I have gone up in weight in every other exercise. But I find it very frustrating to not progress in this one thing. 

Though, I have been able to up the reps and do sets of 12 instead of 10. When I started, I had to take a break after every 3 reps! This is still improvement, even if not in the way I am hoping for. So I am sure I will get there! 

I guess it is important to me because I have progressed in every other exercise, but when I do that one exercise, at the same weight as Day 1, it makes me feel stuck, like its all been for nothing and I am working so hard and getting nowhere.  I know this to not be true, but its the feeling I get! 

No workout is ever "good for nothing". Anytime I move my body is a tally in the good-for-me column! 

A long week

 It's been a long week, just lots of things happening and then I also got sick. Just a cold, but it really lingers. So it has now been one week since I did any intentional exercise (save for 1 very short walk). The timing is hard today, because I have a doctor's appointment at my gym time... but I am determined to get right back to my strength training schedule. 

The other thing that I am feeling weird about, is that I haven't been logging my food all week either. Historically, if I wasn't measuring and logging all my food it meant that I was way "off track". 
And maybe that could be said about my protein goals, but otherwise I've been... fine? I mean, I feel as though I am not overeating, I am eating balanced and healthy meals and including protein in each one. I just haven't been supplementing with shakes and bars, etc. To be honest, it feels really good and I'm considering letting it go a little longer. I'm very torn. All I want is to make noticeable, measurable progress - in weight loss and/or muscle gain. Both things don't seem possible without meticulous tracking (for me, specifically). Not tracking my food feels like it means abandoning my goals. But one of my other goals is to stop obsessing about my body and finding an easier breezier lifestyle would probably help with that. 

Sigh, I don't know, I've been here before, many times so I am sure as the wind blows, my desires will change as they always do.  But for today, I will blow my nose for the umpteenth time, and go lift some weights! 

Slowly, surely

 I've been having a little bit of trouble sticking precisely to my workout schedule, just because... life. Appointments, meetings, and birthday celebrations! But overall, I feel really good about it. I am still getting 5-6 workouts in each week and working on upping my weights at every opportunity. 

Still feeling an overall feeling of frustration with lack of (visible) progress. But TBH I can absolutely tell that that feeling waxes and wanes based on where I am hormonally. I still feel pretty "locked in" and comfortable with my amount of effort.

I got my first ever cute gym set. Of course it doesn't look very cute on me, but I took pictures anyway in hopes of seeing some change over time!

It is very soft and comfy.

For my birthday, I got some new dumbbells and a little rack for them! 

One step forward, two steps (ouch my) back!

I recognize that all human journeys are not linear. Relationships, careers, weight loss, self-improvement of any kind. There is no direct, bumpless route to the finish line. But UGH, is it FRUSTRATING. I've injured my back, a minor muscle sprain, methinks. I haven't gone to a doctor, I don't think I will unless it gets worse. I know that this type of injury can take weeks to heal on its own, but that is the only way. One week. ONE WEEK of my new and improved workout schedule and I'm injured. 

Ok, pity party has concluded. It is what it is. The only way out is through, and so what else is there to do but just... keep going. Cautiously, intelligently - but consistently. 

Making adjustments

 It is clear that what I am doing is not enough to move the needle. I am still feeling like I just need a win. I need to see some sort of progress, the feeling of just spinning wheels is simply frustrating. Its funny and, frankly, quite sad that improving my health and longevity isn't enough motivation to keep going. I want to see progress - visibly in my body, measurements, or in data. 

So, what else is there to do, but... more? I spoke with my trainer and told her all of this and asked for help in making some goals. Here's what we came up with: 

And so here is what my weeks will look like: 

The changes here are -
• Adding a third day of strength training to the week.
• Aiming for 15,000 meters on the rower each week
• Adding a mobility/balance work out

My food hasn't changed, I am continuing to eat:
• <1,700 calories
• 115-120g protein
• 5g creatine per day

Getting back to it

 I had a visit with the orthopedic surgeon two days ago and we are both pleased that the cortisone shot in my knee is helping. Its been two weeks since the shot and he said that I won't experience the full benefit for another couple months. But that is it was going to work, it would start working within two weeks. 

And, it has. So, hallelujah, praise kneesus!  

It is still unstable and I am not yet back to going for intentional walks, BUT I can at least walk around the house now which is a big improvement! 

Yesterday, something momentous happened - I got my man to work out with me! He's NOT an exercise guy. At. All. He will walk with me, but not long ones, and never anything else. But I always jokingly invite him to my workouts, and he responds "no thank you" and we laugh. But yesterday, I said "I'm going in for my strength training, wanna join?" And he said... "yah, lets do it!" 

And he DID! We went through my entire strength training routine! I am so proud of him for really getting out of his comfort zone. Later in the evening, he praised me for my "strength", and it felt nice to be seen for what I am working so hard for. 

In other news, I have been squeezing in some more short paddling trips into my days, as summer is dwindling down. Its been really nice. I find myself simultaneously wishing that it was more physically demanding and enjoying the relaxing nature of it. It's not nothing, I do end up feeling it in my forearms afterwards, but its not the "active" past time I was thinking it would be. 

One side benefit to the paddling, is that it has forced me to be a little more comfortable in my swimwear. I need to wear UV protectant swim clothes and thats a-ok with me because I've never been comfortable showing my arms or legs, ever in my life. So wearing just a plain bathing suit has never been an option for me. But I also would NEVER wear anything tight before. I don't want to show my skin, but I also don't want to show the size and shape and lumps and bumps of my legs or arms. Anyway, I am wearing my swim pants and swim tops and feeling OK about it. Truth-be-told, no one sees me in them. The paddling I do is launched from a private dock, and when I am out on the water, I am seated and would only be seen at a distance. 

But I don't want to discount my feelings here. I feel less embarrassed and less self-conscious than I have before. I wouldn't use the word "confident" by any means. But its an improvement, and that is something. Especially since I don't actually notice any visual differences in my body, but I guess just age and experience alone has granted me a small amount of "less fucks" to give. 

A sharp turn

 Just as I was feeling firmly "in the groove" of my exercise routine - a wrench has been thrown! 
A torn meniscus, yet again. And of course it happened a week before my camping trip. I still had a wonderful camping trip, but it was the most sedentary camping trip I've ever had. No hikes, minimal walking, and a lot less heavy lifting than usual. I've just been wearing my knee brace and taking prednisone to reduce the inflammation.  Pain-wise, its feeling better now, just still very unstable. 
I skipped an entire week of my strength training, and I've missed multiple rowing sessions. 

Oh well, it is what it is, is it not? 

This is not anything new for me to navigate, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. I was really feeling like I was making progress. I am aware that a few
days, or even weeks off from training will not erase all of my hard work - but my emotions beg to differ. I feel untethered and back to square one. 

Like I have to "start over" or something. But there is nothing to restart. This is just my life, daily life... in which some days I work out, some days I don't. Some days I hit my macros, some days I'm not perfect. I don't need to start anything from scratch, I just need to keep doing what I feel is best for me (and my dumb ass body) each day. 

To end on a happy note, camping was wonderful. I got no exercise, no sleep, and I ate some oatmeal cookie sandwiches. But, I had endless conversations with my best friend, played games, watched birds, and floated around a pristine mountain-top lake in a donut floaty. 

Paddleboarding and Progress

 Ok... so maybe my scale weight is still up and maybe I still don't see anything in the mirror... but I want to say that I am finally feeling a little bit of change. I had a lovely talk with my trainer, which helped. I also had a good talk with AI, who I asked to remind me of all the science behind how I could be seemingly stagnant. 

The other day, I also paddleboarded for the first time ever. And I was all alone! I was so scared, I'm scared of everything. Scared of falling in the water and not being able to get back on. Scared of falling in the water and touching a lake monster with my toes. Scared of getting fatigued, of doing something wrong, of getting stranded, of having to ask for help. 

Of course none of those things happened. I just... paddled my little heart out for almost 2 hours. Physically, I found it very easy (I only sat, mind you, I'm not very interested in standing up!).  I definitely got very nervous when spotting any other vessels on the lake, but I kept my distance. 

I even did my rowerg workout for 40 minutes when I got back home. 

It feels like a big step toward being an "Active Person" like I want to be! Active People totally paddleboard in the summertime! :-) 

No change

A very short rant. 

I took progress pictures yesterday. Desperate for some tiny glimpse of changes to my body. 
Its been almost 2 months since adding consistent strength training. Three months since adding 3 days of week of rowing. Almost 3 months since adding Creatine to my diet, upping my protein, dropping my calories. 

Weight change? none
Measurement change? none
Visual change? none 

I know that it is impossible that all my hard work and careful planning is for nothing. But I really, really wish I could get a little encouragement from my body. Just a tiny nugget of tangible progress to encourage me. 

Celebrities, they're just like us

 When I went vegan, I thought that it changed a fundamental aspect of my identity. I strongly identified with being a "foodie". I was so fat because I LOVED food, I would eat any kind of food, taste whatever delicacy I could get my hands on. People expected (and admired) this of me and I cultivated and embraced this impression.  Suddenly, I've got limits. I can't be a gourmand anymore, I've got things - a lot of things - that I now say "No" to. This challenged me, because I did not want people to see me differently than I'd always been. I didn't want to take away a single thing that I thought made people like me, I didn't think I had that many of those things to spare. 

That was 13 years ago, and I've still got friends who seem to like me, regardless of my diet. Now, instead of asking what I think about the crispy garlic beef tendon dish, they ask me my favorite way to prepare garlic scapes. But my reputation as a fat foodie is intact. 

I am talking about all of this because I am desperate for another identity shift. I want... so badly... to be an "Active Person". I want to see myself that way, and I want others to see me that way. But for as long as I've been working out (almost 20 years), I haven't been considered an Active Person, I've just been a dieting person. A person working out to lose weight. I'm under the impression that being an Active Person is a lifestyle. That is what we see in media and social media, anyway. 

"She lives an active lifestyle!" cue the montage of a fit and toned woman, wearing a cute coordinating sports bra and legging set, maybe she's got a lululemon long sleeve zip up on top. She's on a run, up a windy country road... she's not sweating, she's *glistening*... she's on the go, she's leaving yoga class and heading to the pool. She meets her equally as cute and fit friends at the pickleball court for a quick game. She rides her bike home, fresh veggies from the farmers market poking out of her bag.  You know what I'm saying. THAT is the "Active Person" of which I am referring to.  

But that can't be reality... right? I mean, I know active people, people who do marathons and HYROX on the weekends. People who do Spartan Races and people who do yoga every single day. These people are real and they exist, and they work a 9-5 just like me. Some (most!) of them even have children to mind. I have no hesitations in seeing these people as Active People, even when they take weeks off from their activities, even when they are downing a triple scoop of ice cream, why? because they look fit. 

But I've never been one - or at least - I've never FELT like one. Maybe its simply because I don't LOOK like one. Maybe it's because I've held my identity of chronic illness above my identity as an active person, and I don't want people to see one of those and have it invalidate the other. 

I'm a complete imposter. If I reenacted that entire Active Person montage from above, I wouldn't look like an active person, I would look like a fat woman overworking herself to lose weight. 

I need to digress, because none of the above ramblings are what I intended to talk about. What I meant to talk about is something I've been thinking about for awhile - What does a real-life Active Person's day actually look like? Because I have a feeling that it's one of those "Celebrities - they're just like us" situations. You know, when you see a picture of a usually glamorous celebrity coming out of a port-a-potty, TP stuck to their shoe, and you're like, whoa, they are just a messy human like the rest of us! 

I bet seeing an Active Person's average day would leave me thinking - oh, I'm not that far off! Yet, the more I think about this, the more I see that it might actually be impossible to feel like an Active Person without looking like an Active Person. That being as it is, they also say to dress for the job you want not the job you have, right? So, if I do all the active person things, I maybe will eventually achieve Active Person status? 

Ok, I went ahead and asked AI for a definition of an Active Person (or living an Active Lifestyle). Here's what it said (with my response) - 

At its core, an active lifestyle aligns with the recommendations of major health organizations like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the American Heart Association (AHA). For adults, this generally means accumulating at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity or 75 minutes of vigorous-intensity aerobic activity per week, or an equivalent combination of both. Additionally, muscle-strengthening activities involving all major muscle groups are recommended at least twice a week.

Ok, cool, so this - I'm doing! ✅

Being an active person is also defined by a set of consistent habits and psychological traits:

Proactivity and Goal-Orientation: Active individuals tend to be planners. They schedule their workouts, set fitness goals, and take the initiative to make physical activity a priority in their busy lives.

Thats me! check! ✅

Consistency over Intensity: The hallmark of an active person is not necessarily extreme workouts, but rather the regularity of their chosen activities. They understand that consistency is the key to long-term health benefits and fitness maintenance.

I do struggle with long-term consistency, because when I don't see results I get nervous and make changes. But, I am definitely trying!

Positive Mindset: Many active people view exercise not as a chore, but as a form of self-care and a source of energy and well-being. They often find joy in movement and appreciate what their bodies can do.

I didn't used to feel this way, but I do now! exercise has become such an ingrained habit that I don't have to beg and force myself to do it. Its time to work out, and I'm in it before I've even realized. And for some workouts, I really do find joy in it! But not all :-) ✅

Resilience and Adaptability: Life inevitably presents obstacles to a fitness routine. An active person is more likely to be resilient, finding alternative ways to stay active when their usual plans are disrupted. They are also adaptable, willing to try new activities to keep their routine fresh and engaging.

Ok, I like this one. And I have a thought on this that is very fresh in my mind, as last week I was sick. My workout schedule (and desire!) was totally thrown off. I was able to adapt my workouts to an easier, more manageable routine without throwing a ton of guilt on myself, or pushing my body past where I should. That is adaptability, and this week, I'm right back to my regularly scheduled program - that's resilience! ✅

Listening to Their Body: While they push themselves, active individuals also learn to recognize their body's signals for rest and recovery, preventing burnout and injury.

In essence, being an "active person" is a dynamic and multifaceted concept. It's about meeting or exceeding recommended physical activity guidelines through a variety of enjoyable activities and cultivating a mindset that values and prioritizes movement as an integral part of a healthy and fulfilling life.

This is one I will probably always struggle with, but I've gotten much MUCH better about respecting my body's limits in respect to my chronic illnesses and propensity for injury. I think I will always struggle with this and vacillate between pushing myself too hard to lack of progress and holding myself back for fear of injury. 

Ok, so, whats my score? I have 4 of the 6 traits associated with being an Active Person. And to my slight surprise, AI didn't mention physical appearance at all. Soooooo.... maybe I CAN be an Active Person and star in my own movie montage, though I don't think I'd ever be caught dead in just a sports bra in public! 

This journal is for me.

 If you find this journal, you're welcome here! But I won't be showing lots of pictures, posting inspirational quotes, or giving advice on things I'm only just doing for the first time myself like all my previous blogs and instagrams and YouTube channels. 

This won't be scientific, or full of measurements and proper progress reports. This journal is for my experience. I keep wanting to live and die by the MATH, by how the experts say it should happen. But I was bound to figure out someday that life isn't all bound by perfect equations and linear progress and no mistakes. 

Ok, so, it is July 2025. My recent strategy has been feeling good, but has not been producing much by way of results. Using AI in conjunction with MacroFactor, I'm adjusting my plan a bit. 

The facts I know: 
Current weight: 217lbs
Current estimated body fat percentage: 45%
Visceral fat: 1.46lbs
RMR: 1,379

Changes to my current methods: 

1. Stop fasting
I've been doing one 36-hour fast each week. I enjoy it, and I find it easy to do. However, I was also relying on it to get me extra calories to eat the rest of the week, because MacroFactor had my calories intake so low that I was struggling to hit my protein goal and stay under. So I'd allot my fasting day calories spread across the other 6 days. Chatting with Gemini today, it was the first thing it recommended - up my calories, and stop fasting. 

2. Higher calorie goal, higher protein goal
Ugh, the protein. Its a stretch for me to hit 90g a day, but my new goal is 125+. I know I can do it... but making it palatable is a chore. I end up really relying on protein powder, and, ugh. My daily calorie goal went from 1,325 (MF) to 1,675 (AI).

Continuing current methods:

1. Strength training
Continue doing 2 whole body strength training routines as prescribed by my trainer. These are going well, and I feel progression, I just need to build confidence in advancing the difficulty. 

2. Cardio (steady state and high intensity)
Continuing rowing 3x a week, VO2 max spin bike workout 1x per week (or sub for kettlebell ladder). Walking on the rest day. 

3. Focus on sleep/stress
I don't think I'll ever hit 8 hours a night, but I average 7, and with a good sleep score on my Oura ring, I'll consider that my best possible. I've started mediating for 20 minutes every day, which gets my heart rate into a nice low restorative rate. I plan to continue that. 

Things I want to look into further: 

1. Blood sugar 
I know I have insulin resistance from PCOS. But I'm not diabetic, nor pre-diabetic. I've been wearing a continuous blood glucose monitor for about 3 weeks just to see how it is I react to some foods, and to fasting. To be honest, I don't feel smart enough to really interpret the data in a meaningful way. But, it has been nice to see that I am definitely not diabetic in any way! 

2. Food prep
As a lifelong dieter of course I have experience in food prepping, and I constantly vacillate between wanting everything rigid and planned and portioned out... and living my life and enjoying cooking and deciding whats for dinner based on how I feel. But I think there is something in between, where I have my high-protein components ready to go to make that goal a little more attainable. 

Goals
I stopped trying to make weight-related goals with deadlines awhile ago. I never, EVER, ever hit those goals, and its just absolutely devastating every time! But, I asked Gemini for some reasonable goals and a deadline for them, and here's what it gave me: 

The May 29 numbers are from a DexaScan I did. So they are legit, and can be retested. So, 12-week goals are set. Off I go!