A long week

 It's been a long week, just lots of things happening and then I also got sick. Just a cold, but it really lingers. So it has now been one week since I did any intentional exercise (save for 1 very short walk). The timing is hard today, because I have a doctor's appointment at my gym time... but I am determined to get right back to my strength training schedule. 

The other thing that I am feeling weird about, is that I haven't been logging my food all week either. Historically, if I wasn't measuring and logging all my food it meant that I was way "off track". 
And maybe that could be said about my protein goals, but otherwise I've been... fine? I mean, I feel as though I am not overeating, I am eating balanced and healthy meals and including protein in each one. I just haven't been supplementing with shakes and bars, etc. To be honest, it feels really good and I'm considering letting it go a little longer. I'm very torn. All I want is to make noticeable, measurable progress - in weight loss and/or muscle gain. Both things don't seem possible without meticulous tracking (for me, specifically). Not tracking my food feels like it means abandoning my goals. But one of my other goals is to stop obsessing about my body and finding an easier breezier lifestyle would probably help with that. 

Sigh, I don't know, I've been here before, many times so I am sure as the wind blows, my desires will change as they always do.  But for today, I will blow my nose for the umpteenth time, and go lift some weights! 

Slowly, surely

 I've been having a little bit of trouble sticking precisely to my workout schedule, just because... life. Appointments, meetings, and birthday celebrations! But overall, I feel really good about it. I am still getting 5-6 workouts in each week and working on upping my weights at every opportunity. 

Still feeling an overall feeling of frustration with lack of (visible) progress. But TBH I can absolutely tell that that feeling waxes and wanes based on where I am hormonally. I still feel pretty "locked in" and comfortable with my amount of effort.

I got my first ever cute gym set. Of course it doesn't look very cute on me, but I took pictures anyway in hopes of seeing some change over time!

It is very soft and comfy.

For my birthday, I got some new dumbbells and a little rack for them! 

One step forward, two steps (ouch my) back!

I recognize that all human journeys are not linear. Relationships, careers, weight loss, self-improvement of any kind. There is no direct, bumpless route to the finish line. But UGH, is it FRUSTRATING. I've injured my back, a minor muscle sprain, methinks. I haven't gone to a doctor, I don't think I will unless it gets worse. I know that this type of injury can take weeks to heal on its own, but that is the only way. One week. ONE WEEK of my new and improved workout schedule and I'm injured. 

Ok, pity party has concluded. It is what it is. The only way out is through, and so what else is there to do but just... keep going. Cautiously, intelligently - but consistently. 

Making adjustments

 It is clear that what I am doing is not enough to move the needle. I am still feeling like I just need a win. I need to see some sort of progress, the feeling of just spinning wheels is simply frustrating. Its funny and, frankly, quite sad that improving my health and longevity isn't enough motivation to keep going. I want to see progress - visibly in my body, measurements, or in data. 

So, what else is there to do, but... more? I spoke with my trainer and told her all of this and asked for help in making some goals. Here's what we came up with: 

And so here is what my weeks will look like: 

The changes here are -
• Adding a third day of strength training to the week.
• Aiming for 15,000 meters on the rower each week
• Adding a mobility/balance work out

My food hasn't changed, I am continuing to eat:
• <1,700 calories
• 115-120g protein
• 5g creatine per day

Getting back to it

 I had a visit with the orthopedic surgeon two days ago and we are both pleased that the cortisone shot in my knee is helping. Its been two weeks since the shot and he said that I won't experience the full benefit for another couple months. But that is it was going to work, it would start working within two weeks. 

And, it has. So, hallelujah, praise kneesus!  

It is still unstable and I am not yet back to going for intentional walks, BUT I can at least walk around the house now which is a big improvement! 

Yesterday, something momentous happened - I got my man to work out with me! He's NOT an exercise guy. At. All. He will walk with me, but not long ones, and never anything else. But I always jokingly invite him to my workouts, and he responds "no thank you" and we laugh. But yesterday, I said "I'm going in for my strength training, wanna join?" And he said... "yah, lets do it!" 

And he DID! We went through my entire strength training routine! I am so proud of him for really getting out of his comfort zone. Later in the evening, he praised me for my "strength", and it felt nice to be seen for what I am working so hard for. 

In other news, I have been squeezing in some more short paddling trips into my days, as summer is dwindling down. Its been really nice. I find myself simultaneously wishing that it was more physically demanding and enjoying the relaxing nature of it. It's not nothing, I do end up feeling it in my forearms afterwards, but its not the "active" past time I was thinking it would be. 

One side benefit to the paddling, is that it has forced me to be a little more comfortable in my swimwear. I need to wear UV protectant swim clothes and thats a-ok with me because I've never been comfortable showing my arms or legs, ever in my life. So wearing just a plain bathing suit has never been an option for me. But I also would NEVER wear anything tight before. I don't want to show my skin, but I also don't want to show the size and shape and lumps and bumps of my legs or arms. Anyway, I am wearing my swim pants and swim tops and feeling OK about it. Truth-be-told, no one sees me in them. The paddling I do is launched from a private dock, and when I am out on the water, I am seated and would only be seen at a distance. 

But I don't want to discount my feelings here. I feel less embarrassed and less self-conscious than I have before. I wouldn't use the word "confident" by any means. But its an improvement, and that is something. Especially since I don't actually notice any visual differences in my body, but I guess just age and experience alone has granted me a small amount of "less fucks" to give. 

A sharp turn

 Just as I was feeling firmly "in the groove" of my exercise routine - a wrench has been thrown! 
A torn meniscus, yet again. And of course it happened a week before my camping trip. I still had a wonderful camping trip, but it was the most sedentary camping trip I've ever had. No hikes, minimal walking, and a lot less heavy lifting than usual. I've just been wearing my knee brace and taking prednisone to reduce the inflammation.  Pain-wise, its feeling better now, just still very unstable. 
I skipped an entire week of my strength training, and I've missed multiple rowing sessions. 

Oh well, it is what it is, is it not? 

This is not anything new for me to navigate, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. I was really feeling like I was making progress. I am aware that a few
days, or even weeks off from training will not erase all of my hard work - but my emotions beg to differ. I feel untethered and back to square one. 

Like I have to "start over" or something. But there is nothing to restart. This is just my life, daily life... in which some days I work out, some days I don't. Some days I hit my macros, some days I'm not perfect. I don't need to start anything from scratch, I just need to keep doing what I feel is best for me (and my dumb ass body) each day. 

To end on a happy note, camping was wonderful. I got no exercise, no sleep, and I ate some oatmeal cookie sandwiches. But, I had endless conversations with my best friend, played games, watched birds, and floated around a pristine mountain-top lake in a donut floaty. 

Paddleboarding and Progress

 Ok... so maybe my scale weight is still up and maybe I still don't see anything in the mirror... but I want to say that I am finally feeling a little bit of change. I had a lovely talk with my trainer, which helped. I also had a good talk with AI, who I asked to remind me of all the science behind how I could be seemingly stagnant. 

The other day, I also paddleboarded for the first time ever. And I was all alone! I was so scared, I'm scared of everything. Scared of falling in the water and not being able to get back on. Scared of falling in the water and touching a lake monster with my toes. Scared of getting fatigued, of doing something wrong, of getting stranded, of having to ask for help. 

Of course none of those things happened. I just... paddled my little heart out for almost 2 hours. Physically, I found it very easy (I only sat, mind you, I'm not very interested in standing up!).  I definitely got very nervous when spotting any other vessels on the lake, but I kept my distance. 

I even did my rowerg workout for 40 minutes when I got back home. 

It feels like a big step toward being an "Active Person" like I want to be! Active People totally paddleboard in the summertime! :-)