My future fit self

 Visualize yourself at your goal fitness level. Beyond just the number on the scale, describe a specific "non-scale victory" you are excited to experience. Why does that specific moment matter more than the weight itself?

Oof, this one is a loaded one. I've been answering this question in my head (and in numerous blogs, lol) since I was 10. BUT, that question was never about fitness, it was always about weight - specifically, body-size. So I am excited to think about this from a strength, cardio fitness, stamina point of view. I will say just one thing on the aesthetic side of this conversation. And that is that I want to look like I am fit. I want to be able to talk about exercise and not get a side eye and a pity nod. Like, "of course she's working out to lose weight". I want it to be obvious by my physique that I work out seriously. 

Ok, onto non-scale victories that I look forward to as my future fit self: 
• Not injuring myself doing household tasks (lifting heavy things) note: I actually feel like I am here now. 

• Walking and talking with a friend without breathing hard/loudly and sweating immediately. 

• Standing up from the floor easily and gracefully.

• Not feeling silly and sausagey in my workout clothes.

• Performing "sporty" tasks naturally - running a short distance, hanging/pull ups, pushups from the floor, hopping or jumping. 

• Being lighter on my feet when moving about and when dancing. 

• Fitting in public seats comfortably - planes, buses, theaters, restaurants.

Out of reach milestone

(I'm starting to use journaling prompts, because I want to maintain this habit, but I feel as though I have nothing to say as of late)

Identify one physical milestone that still feels out of reach or intimidating right now (e.g., a certain distance, a weight, or a specific exercise). Write about why that goal matters to you.

I don't currently have a big exercise milestone I am going for, but I do have a couple small ones that I can think of. One is raising the weight I use in my Lateral Raises. I have been using 10lb dumbbells since the first set. It is now been months of doing this exercise and many attempts at raising it to just 12lbs and I can't do it. It makes me feel like I am making no progress, that all of my lifting has shown no growth. 

I know this is not the case, as I have gone up in weight in every other exercise. But I find it very frustrating to not progress in this one thing. 

Though, I have been able to up the reps and do sets of 12 instead of 10. When I started, I had to take a break after every 3 reps! This is still improvement, even if not in the way I am hoping for. So I am sure I will get there! 

I guess it is important to me because I have progressed in every other exercise, but when I do that one exercise, at the same weight as Day 1, it makes me feel stuck, like its all been for nothing and I am working so hard and getting nowhere.  I know this to not be true, but its the feeling I get! 

No workout is ever "good for nothing". Anytime I move my body is a tally in the good-for-me column! 

A long week

 It's been a long week, just lots of things happening and then I also got sick. Just a cold, but it really lingers. So it has now been one week since I did any intentional exercise (save for 1 very short walk). The timing is hard today, because I have a doctor's appointment at my gym time... but I am determined to get right back to my strength training schedule. 

The other thing that I am feeling weird about, is that I haven't been logging my food all week either. Historically, if I wasn't measuring and logging all my food it meant that I was way "off track". 
And maybe that could be said about my protein goals, but otherwise I've been... fine? I mean, I feel as though I am not overeating, I am eating balanced and healthy meals and including protein in each one. I just haven't been supplementing with shakes and bars, etc. To be honest, it feels really good and I'm considering letting it go a little longer. I'm very torn. All I want is to make noticeable, measurable progress - in weight loss and/or muscle gain. Both things don't seem possible without meticulous tracking (for me, specifically). Not tracking my food feels like it means abandoning my goals. But one of my other goals is to stop obsessing about my body and finding an easier breezier lifestyle would probably help with that. 

Sigh, I don't know, I've been here before, many times so I am sure as the wind blows, my desires will change as they always do.  But for today, I will blow my nose for the umpteenth time, and go lift some weights! 

Slowly, surely

 I've been having a little bit of trouble sticking precisely to my workout schedule, just because... life. Appointments, meetings, and birthday celebrations! But overall, I feel really good about it. I am still getting 5-6 workouts in each week and working on upping my weights at every opportunity. 

Still feeling an overall feeling of frustration with lack of (visible) progress. But TBH I can absolutely tell that that feeling waxes and wanes based on where I am hormonally. I still feel pretty "locked in" and comfortable with my amount of effort.

I got my first ever cute gym set. Of course it doesn't look very cute on me, but I took pictures anyway in hopes of seeing some change over time!

It is very soft and comfy.

For my birthday, I got some new dumbbells and a little rack for them! 

One step forward, two steps (ouch my) back!

I recognize that all human journeys are not linear. Relationships, careers, weight loss, self-improvement of any kind. There is no direct, bumpless route to the finish line. But UGH, is it FRUSTRATING. I've injured my back, a minor muscle sprain, methinks. I haven't gone to a doctor, I don't think I will unless it gets worse. I know that this type of injury can take weeks to heal on its own, but that is the only way. One week. ONE WEEK of my new and improved workout schedule and I'm injured. 

Ok, pity party has concluded. It is what it is. The only way out is through, and so what else is there to do but just... keep going. Cautiously, intelligently - but consistently. 

Making adjustments

 It is clear that what I am doing is not enough to move the needle. I am still feeling like I just need a win. I need to see some sort of progress, the feeling of just spinning wheels is simply frustrating. Its funny and, frankly, quite sad that improving my health and longevity isn't enough motivation to keep going. I want to see progress - visibly in my body, measurements, or in data. 

So, what else is there to do, but... more? I spoke with my trainer and told her all of this and asked for help in making some goals. Here's what we came up with: 

And so here is what my weeks will look like: 

The changes here are -
• Adding a third day of strength training to the week.
• Aiming for 15,000 meters on the rower each week
• Adding a mobility/balance work out

My food hasn't changed, I am continuing to eat:
• <1,700 calories
• 115-120g protein
• 5g creatine per day

Getting back to it

 I had a visit with the orthopedic surgeon two days ago and we are both pleased that the cortisone shot in my knee is helping. Its been two weeks since the shot and he said that I won't experience the full benefit for another couple months. But that is it was going to work, it would start working within two weeks. 

And, it has. So, hallelujah, praise kneesus!  

It is still unstable and I am not yet back to going for intentional walks, BUT I can at least walk around the house now which is a big improvement! 

Yesterday, something momentous happened - I got my man to work out with me! He's NOT an exercise guy. At. All. He will walk with me, but not long ones, and never anything else. But I always jokingly invite him to my workouts, and he responds "no thank you" and we laugh. But yesterday, I said "I'm going in for my strength training, wanna join?" And he said... "yah, lets do it!" 

And he DID! We went through my entire strength training routine! I am so proud of him for really getting out of his comfort zone. Later in the evening, he praised me for my "strength", and it felt nice to be seen for what I am working so hard for. 

In other news, I have been squeezing in some more short paddling trips into my days, as summer is dwindling down. Its been really nice. I find myself simultaneously wishing that it was more physically demanding and enjoying the relaxing nature of it. It's not nothing, I do end up feeling it in my forearms afterwards, but its not the "active" past time I was thinking it would be. 

One side benefit to the paddling, is that it has forced me to be a little more comfortable in my swimwear. I need to wear UV protectant swim clothes and thats a-ok with me because I've never been comfortable showing my arms or legs, ever in my life. So wearing just a plain bathing suit has never been an option for me. But I also would NEVER wear anything tight before. I don't want to show my skin, but I also don't want to show the size and shape and lumps and bumps of my legs or arms. Anyway, I am wearing my swim pants and swim tops and feeling OK about it. Truth-be-told, no one sees me in them. The paddling I do is launched from a private dock, and when I am out on the water, I am seated and would only be seen at a distance. 

But I don't want to discount my feelings here. I feel less embarrassed and less self-conscious than I have before. I wouldn't use the word "confident" by any means. But its an improvement, and that is something. Especially since I don't actually notice any visual differences in my body, but I guess just age and experience alone has granted me a small amount of "less fucks" to give.